I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
