You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
