we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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