the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
