Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
