I puked a lego.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
