When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize