Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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