ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
