If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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