census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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