my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
pop tarts are not kleenex
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
