I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
