sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Im part way to drunk.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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