Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
