My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
