i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
