I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
