i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
