She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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