I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize