So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
