ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
We need a shit load of segways right now
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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