Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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