I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just gift wrapped bread.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
