apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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