Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
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