Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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