Taylor Swift is so right about you.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
