It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
