I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Randomize
