I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
