My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
