Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
