He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
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