Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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