I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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