Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
