Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
