I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
