remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
