Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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