i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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