I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
