Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
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