Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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