if only i could text you this smell
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
