I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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