Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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