we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
