i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
