she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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