God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
