dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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