He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
