remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
