i need an iv and a liver transplant
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
