let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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