Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
