We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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