Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
