I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
