He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
